HELP-less ...

They say those around will always be a better judge for your character than yourself. Perhaps they are right. Perhaps not.

I wonder how ppl see me. I could never really describe myself in words. I never did totally understand myself. Most days when I describe myself, those words would only be a sketch of me in a moment of time.

I like to help ppl but I never thought of myself as self-less. There are times deep down I am waiting for a "thank you" or some sort of appreciation. Who am I?

I used to say lame joke all the time but that is not me. Friends who know me well would realize that I can be rather serious at times. Who am I?

I help others but in fact I am the one in need.

I always think that I am helpless if not hopeless. I did not totally quit ****ing. I could not bring myself to do it. I am over a quarter century old. Peers are getting married, child bearing, graduating with post grad degrees etc. Here I am.

I need time alone. Lots of time alone but yet I love company. I wish for company but yet more than often I never take the initiative to keep in touch with my friends. Losing touch. Why am I doing this?

I have always wanted group that will stick with me till end of days but I have always been elusive. "see how la..." "long story" "..." some of my most frequent phrases.

I always wanted some sense of achievement... that I can be recognized by society's standards. I am fully aware of the effort required of me but I lack the consistency, patience and drive. Where do I stand?

I want to come across as a pleasant person yet I can never stop myself from being critical of others (sometimes). I need more "goodness". I need a longer fuse too.

I can be optimistic at times. I might be objective in certain moments. Yet, there are moments when I am in self denial. "having unique character" "standing out from the slaves of societal perspectives" some of the many excuses. wait... maybe they are not excuses. still... I never really did get myself to break free from social practices. I still seek for social acceptance.

*bleah bleah* (random blabber continues)

So many things about me that I am unsure. I continue writing forever. When I re-read this post I might think that certain sentences does not reflect my identify. One things is certain though. I am past oriented.

I finally found the first phrase that describes me. past oriented.




Do you have words or phrases that will accurately define you? be very honest to yourself. I have always admired people who can really say who they are, what they like etc.